Relationship 101: Standards & Deal-Breakers

Good evening, my fellow Brooklynites! Happy Monday! Over the last few weeks I've been spending some quality time with my girlfriends (gotta love 'em). And I can't help but to notice that recent conversations have been centered on relationships. Now, my intention is not to turn my blog into a dating site where I give relationship advice; lord knows that there are enough of them out there. However, I would like to switch gears for a moment, and hopefully shed some light on the hot topic.

For some reason, in today's society a woman who is approaching thirty years of age, should also be headed towards the altar, or at least taking steps in that direction. Well, the fact of the matter is that many of my "sista girls" are single, and quite frankly, they are pretty fed up with the dating scene. In turn, this results in endless girl's nights, phone conversations, and now Facebook forums and BBM sessions specifically geared to discuss relationship woes; not to mention the countless articles written in publications like Essence or the new, Madame Noire magazines. It seems that women my age are desperately seeking advice on what it takes to find and keep a good man.

Therefore, I feel the need to pose the following question: Is Mr. Right really that hard to find? My girls seem to think so, but honestly, I don't! It's all about setting "realistic" standards and adhering to them. You don't know how many girlfriends I've asked, "Well, what type of guy are you looking for?," only for them to respond "I don't know, I don't really have a type." Well, if you don't have a type, should you really be looking?? Setting standards helps you to weed people out. If you haven't figured out what you want, then you're wandering aimlessly, allowing every Kevin, Tom, and Charles to enter your life. First things first, go back to the drawing board and set "realistic" standards.

I use the term "realistic" because I mean just that that! Determine what you are, and aren't willing to tolerate and go from there. For example, if you don't want to date a man who has a child, then don't! His child is not going anywhere, so if that happens to be a deal-breaker for you, then don't bother (Note: As you get older, the possibility of dating someone with a child only increases). If you are unwilling to date outside of your race...don't! If you are not open to the idea, please do not try to convince yourself that you can become racially sensitive along the way! If race happens to be a touchy subject for you, then you will only wind up stepping on each others toes. If you value education, please do not date the janitor and think that you are going to persuade him into getting his PhD. Chances are, it just won't happen!

At this point, I think you catch my drift. This is what I mean by being "realistic." Learn what works for you and date accordingly. Does this mean that there isn't room for, or that you shouldn't be willing to compromise? Of course not! However, what it does mean is that you should be well aware of what your deal-breakers are. What areas are you willing to compromise in? If monogamy is important to you, let it be known. Make sure that you are dating exclusively; don't be afraid to put a title on your relationship. If the guy is unwilling to do that, then chances are he doesn't intend on being monogamous. Should you find out that he isn't interested in dating exclusively...then LEAVE! Why would you wait around thinking that you can change him? You can't; more importantly, you won't! Who knows, maybe monogamy is not a deal-breaker for you (different strokes for different folks), but if it is, speak-up! And if your message is falling on deaf ears...break out!

Now ladies, this doesn't mean that you should pull out your list of criteria at the dinner table and start checking things off (if you do, I guarantee you that will be your first and only date); we all know how to feel a person out and drop subtle hints. And you can find out pretty early on whether or not you share the same deal-breakers. Once you find someone who holds the same values, ideals and principles, and has a compatible personality, the sky is the limit! If you are willing to work on your relationship (all relationships require some level of compromise because you are two different people trying to function as a unit), then I guarantee that it will mature and blossom. Does this mean that things are going to be peachy all the time? Absolutely not! Think about the other significant relationships in your life, w/parents, siblings, best friends etc. I'm quite sure that these people have a tendency to get underneath your skin every now and then (and vice versa), but you learn their likes and dislikes and deal with them accordingly. And therefore, you should approach your relationship with your significant other the same way.

Now, by no means, do I consider myself a romance expert, but I've learned a thing or two along the way. As a woman approaching thirty, who is slowly taking those steps towards the altar; I can confidently say that I'm in this position because, this time around, I adhered to the "realistic" standards that I set in place. I realized that part of maturing and coming into my womanhood, was becoming aware of my wants, desires, likes and dislikes, and deal-breakers!

So, to all my "girlfriends" out there who are looking for Mr. Right and to those of you who are dating Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right Now (trust me I've been there); take a step back to examine your list of criteria (if you don't have a list, then stop everything that you are doing and create one). Are your standards realistic? How many of the things you have listed are actually deal-breakers? How many of your standards are superficial?? Before entering a relationship we should all be honest with ourselves and answer these questions.

Ladies, if we don't know what we want, then we can end up with any and everything. It's like shopping at Target without a list.